Crap Joke of the Day™

Guten tag, meine Freunde! Hola, mis amigos! Bonjour, mes amis! That’s right, crap joke fans: Crap Joke of the Day™ has an international flavour today.

In the run up to our 50^th birthday celebrations, the CJotD measurement team have been taking a look at our readership stats. We’re delighted that CJotD has now officially gone global, with fans from across planet Earth enjoying a daily mist witz, or una broma basura, here at this very site.

In particular, Spaniards enjoy una buena carcajada después de una pequeña siesta. Italians, however, like their crap jokes con gli amici da un fiume toscano. Our French brothers take their crap jokes avec un peu d’ail.

While our followers on Twitter and our ‘likes’ on Facebook are largely people from the UK, nearly two thirds of all visitors to the site (63%) hail from overseas. Astounded by this news, the Crap Joke of the Day™ diversity committee issued an immediate directive decreeing that CJotD material should better reflect its fanbase.

So, today’s offering – the last of the week – comes without our normal UK bias. Sie warden lachen, ja?

I met a Dutch girl last week with inflatable shoes.
I tried to call her yesterday but sadly she’d popped her clogs.

Ein weiterer von jenen, gleichzeitig am Montag.

Welcome to the end of Thursday, crap joke fans. You’ve done it – you’ve broken the back of the week. Four days done, just one full day to go. Whatever tales of work-based joy or hell this week has delivered, you can rest easy: you’ve just about mastered each and every one of them.

What’s that you say? CJotD seems in a rather buoyant mood? Why, yes we are, faithful reader. Everyone here at HQ (aside from the long-suffering CJotD IT team, who have been struggling manfully with an uncooperative photocopier) has been contributing to something of a carnival atmosphere. Even the three-strong accounts team have been in on the act, each wearing an official CJotD cap at a daring jaunty angle.

Putting yesterday’s announcement – and a certain amount of acrimony it created between our editorial and public relations teams – behind us, CJotD employees young and old were delighted to hear that our board is planning a special range of celebrations to coincide with our 50^th ever Crap Joke of the Day™. A CJotD party committee has been elected, and put to work with a bulging budget (our coffers received a welcome boost after CJotD #8 received a lucrative offer from Hollywood – more to follow).

Watch this space for more details on our 50^th birthday celebrations. In the meantime, here’s today’s particularly apt crap joke. Enjoy – and tell your friends about CJotD. They deserve some ‘so bad its good’ in their lives.

I somehow managed to get jelly in one ear and custard in the other.
I think I’m a trifle deaf.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

In suggesting that an announcement about the potential future for Crap Joke of the Day™ would be issued today, our editorial team overstepped the mark. Technically speaking, they also violated CJotD publicity protocol (chapter 3, point c) – action is being taken.

To ensure no further misunderstanding, the CJotD public relations team has taken control of publishing duties today, and would like to preface this afternoon’s crap joke with a short clarifying statement.

‘We are aware that there has been some speculation about the future of Crap Joke of the Day™, and potential expansion into new comedy markets.

It is of course true that the CJotD board is passionate about furthering the art of humour. These rumours however have led to an unhealthy amount of speculation in the press that CJotD – successful as it is – has lost its focus. Some commentators have suggested that our commitment to bringing our readership the highest quality crap jokes has diminished in recent days.

‘We are therefore taking this opportunity make clear that our dedication to researching, devising and writing the finest crap jokes is as strong as ever. Any rumours about our efforts being focused elsewhere are entirely unfounded. Our recent poor performance – crap joke #39, or ‘teletubby-gate’ – represented nothing but an off day for our otherwise excellent editorial team.

‘Crap Joke of the Day™ is nearing it’s 50^th birthday. We are fully focused not only on celebrating 50 days of ‘so bad it’s good’ wit, but also on driving forward to our 100^th day. We look forward to taking that journey with our readers’.

We hope this statement – which was issued to all national newsdesks this morning – puts these unhelpful rumours to bed. Rest assured, crap joke fans, crap jokes are still very much our priority. Phew. And, on that bombshell…

A ship carrying red paint collided with another carrying blue paint.
Both crews were marooned.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

An update. Last week, rumours of CJotD expanding into new comedy markets over-spilled into joke #36.

Your humble editorial team has no new news to give you today, but we sniff an announcement in the air. Our guess is that the Crap Joke of the Day™ public relations department will be putting out a statement about a launch tomorrow.

In the meantime, our customer relations team (who coordinate all of our activity on Facebook and Twitter – they’re always happy to chat) dumped the most recent CJotD JokeFan Mood Report® on our desks this morning.  One of the key findings suggested that yesterday’s crap joke didn’t resonate strongly with ABC1 audiences: a key part of our fanbase.  Our head of marketing was not happy.

But we have not let that kick in the ribs get to us. We’ve rolled with the punches, puffed out our collective chest and worked round the clock to come back with a bang.

Yes, yesterday’s wasn’t the best crap joke in history. But the rumours are false: we can do TV related crap jokes. We absolutely can. Here’s proof.

Did you hear about the new range of half price TVs that all have their volume buttons broken?
It’s an offer you can’t turn down.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

Happy Friday, crap joke fans! What a week it’s been.

Just a week on from the tremendous re-launch of CJotD after a six month hiatus (oh how you suffered, faithful reader), we have both received rave reviews and come under fire for an alleged discriminatory crap joke. And, to make matters worse, many of our employees here at Crap Joke of the Day HQ have fallen ill today, and we’re severely under-staffed.

Against that backdrop, we’re just delighted to get to the end of the week.  We imagine you are too. So go on – get down to your local drinking establishment now (do make sure to check with your line manager first). You deserve it.

But memorise this corker before you do – your mates will love it. Just tell them where you got it from, eh?

I was assaulted the other day. Some idiot chucked milk, cheese and yoghurt all over me.
How dairy.

Another one of those, same time on Monday.

We regret to inform you that the Crap Joke of the Day™ quality control team have today launched a stewards enquiry. This follows yesterday’s crap joke, which divided opinion.

Some crap joke fans thought the joke was really rather good. Others thought it flirted a little too closely with the ‘crap’ end of the spectrum. Many more were broadly ambivalent.

Most damningly, there was some speculation on Twitter and Facebook that the joke unfairly excluded some of our younger CJotD faithful not familiar with the work of Henry Williamson.

The enquiry will be a three day affair, and will include interviews with all members of CJotD #36’s supply chain. We will report the results within a week: rest assured, we will not stand idly by and let mediocrity infect what we stand for. We cling to our values like a shipwrecked sailor to a dingy, a killer whale to a startled seal or the UK to the Falkland Islands.

But how can we best counter the effects of yesterday’s mixed effort? Well, by following it up immediately with a new, epic Crap Joke of the Day™. We trust that today’s entry will leave you ROFL (never let it be said we don’t cater for CJotD’s younger crew, innit).

Read. Enjoy. Rate. Share.

My racing snail hadn’t been performing well, so I decided to remove its shell.
I don’t think it worked though – if anything, it’s more sluggish.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

It’s all happening today: the corridors, water coolers and stationary cupboards here at CJotD HQ are awash with rumour and hearsay. The gossip is that Crap Joke of the Day™ is considering moving into new comedy markets. Aggressive expansion, if you will.

The rumours all began when one of our official CJotD interns noticed that an impromptu board meeting had been called on Monday morning (she discovered this while ‘exec diary surfing’ – not something we encourage, and she’s been reprimanded). An unprecedented number of Pain au Chocolat had also been delivered to the boardroom.

The Crap Joke of the Day™ board of directors (not known for their hilarity, it must be said, rather their fine strategic minds and business acumen) filed away, tight-lipped, after a record-breaking five hour meeting.

But it seems CJotD is more leaky than the rusting hull of the Costa Concordia (as an aside, we have noticed a worrying trend for Italians abandoning sinking ships – first Schettino, then Capello). Before long, post-work drinks were filled with tales of potential expansion. We can neither confirm nor deny these rumours, but it’s probably worth keeping your eye out for new players in the long-form, knock-knock and picture-based joke sectors.

You’ll be the first to know. After we’ve issued a statement to the markets, of course.

In the meantime, here’s today’s crap joke. It’s one we’re particularly proud of: there’s a little something for everyone. Tell your friends.

I went for a curry last night and ordered a Chicken Tarka.
It’s just like a normal curry only a little otter.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

Ah, it’s Valentine’s Day, crap joke fans: a day we all love and adore.

With startling similarity to Crap Joke of the Day™, Valentine’s Day is a great institution devoted to passing pleasing messages to loved ones. And, like this very website, its roots are shrouded in mystery.

Legend whispers of a Saint Valentine (first name almost certainly Dave) being arrested by Emperor Claudius II for performing secret marriage ceremonies for soldiers in the Roman army. At that point, it was illegal for soldiers to marry – it was thought it would make them less efficient killing machines. It is not the task of your humble CJotD team to speculate as to whether marriage makes killing more, or less, likely.

Imprisoned, our romantic hero tried to convert the emperor to Christianity (inexplicably Claude had popped down to cell block V for a chat). This didn’t help, and he was put up for immediate execution. Before he was burned alive – and just because he could – Dave quickly healed his jailer’s blind daughter and sent her a ‘from your Valentine’ card. What a remarkable, giving chap. Certainly makes flowers, a box of chocolates and a card from Clintons seem a little superficial.

Of course, this all happened a long time ago. Some of it may not even be true.

Either way, Dave Valentine’s legend is such that we still remember him today. And here at CJotD we’d like to show our respect with a special crap joke with a ‘relationships’ flavour. And none of this ‘What did the Valentine’s card say to the stamp – stick with me and we’ll go places’ or ‘what do squirrels give for Valentine’s – Forget-me-nuts’ nonsense. Proper stuff.

Like cupid, we aim to please. Enjoy it, rate it, leave a comment.

A bloke’s girlfriend was expecting him to get her an engagement ring for Valentine’s Day, but he got her a helium balloon instead.
It didn’t go down well.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

Happy Monday, one and all. We hope your week is going swimmingly so far. And why wouldn’t it be? As promised during our heroic comeback Crap Joke of the Day™ on Friday, we’re back and here to stay.

And now – hard-working mirth-seekers – it’s 4.27. Time for you to put down the Mont Blanc, take the phone off the hook (or discard the Britney Spears-style headset, call centre crap joke fans) and loosen your tie: it’s CJotD time.

Our editorial team have pulled a storming two-liner together for you. Today’s is a toe-curlingly hilarious, guffaw-inducing embarrassment of a crap joke. You’re sure to love it – that’s why you’re here, right? Here it is, fresh off the joke press.

I got into a fight this morning while listening to some music.
Turns out I had my iPod on scuffle.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.