We’ve become rather obsessed with the interweb of late. As regular Crap Joke of the Day™ readers will know, we recently launched a Pinterest board to showcase some of the finest ‘so bad it’s good humour’ in image form. The response to the launch has been astonishingly lukewarm.

Meanwhile, engagement with our fans on Facebook and Twitter has continued apace – we were particularly proud that UK fashion chain Joy is a fan of CJotD and saw fit to Tweet about us last month. We are very grateful.

But, in our endless search for inspiration, we have started to look further afield than these thoroughly splendid and tremendous social media networking sites. We were particularly pleased to stumble upon a lovely little blog called Wearing My Bicycle Jumper. Delightfully, the author of this site also saw fit to mention Crap Joke of the Day™ – and we are honoured that they did.

In light of all the amusement and frivolity that apparently lies in wait out there on the web, we have decided to formally advertise for a new role in our research team – a role entirely devoted to finding the very best bad joke stimulus available in the digisphere. If you are interested in becoming the official CJotD Interweb Superhighway Investigator (pay grade 2), please send your CV with a short covering note of no more than 100 words to us here.

But no more mucking around: here’s today’s amusement. Enjoy.

Did you hear about the man who was rushed into surgery this morning after six toy horses were found up his rear end?
Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

Yes, it seems the CJotD Shakespearean phrase generator® is a little off its game today, but nonetheless we here at HQ have been marking the birthday of England’s finest playwright with typical energy and verve. Aside from the obligatory fancy dress (our IT team came as Elizabethan wenches and were quite the picture) and the Tudor catering, the highlight of the day was no doubt our head of creativity’s lone performance of Hamlet. He worked from the 1623 First Folio text – it was quite some five and a half hours.

For those of you outside the UK, news bulletins here yesterday were full of celebrations happening up and down the country on the matter. We were slightly puzzled at the development, as we were under the distinct impression that William’s real birthday is unknown. The official CJotD historian has assured us that we can only be sure about Shakespeare’s baptism date: 26 April, two days from now.

Not wanting to be left behind however, we brought hastily convened the CJotD events committee who brought our celebrations forward to today. And, of course, we have a highly relevant crap joke (made even more pertinent by the wet and chilly weather we Londoners have suffered of late) to round off the revelry. Enjoy.

It might be cold and rainy, but I’ve decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights in it.
Now is the winter of my disco tent.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

It’s been a fairly quiet Monday, although the rather hushed atmosphere was briefly interrupted this morning to celebrate the achievements of a member of the Crap Joke of the Day™ public relations team.

The individual in question  is one of our graduate trainees. Yesterday he completed the London marathon, earning thousands of pounds for a local charity.

It’s a remarkable achievement, especially since he has spent much of the previous few months drinking copious amounts of lager and munching through huge numbers of sweets stolen from the CJotD brainstorming rooms. Colleagues were all the more surprised by his success in light of his generally carefree and apathetic demeanour.

CJotD congratulated him on his achievement in the only way we knew how: with a cake in the shape of the 1993 London marathon winner, moustached British athletics hero Eamonn Martin.

Anyway – onto today’s hilarity. Sadly the drawer containing jokes filed in the ‘long distance track and field events’ category in our archive facility is stuck closed at the moment (and George has misplaced his WD40), so we’ve had to search for topicality elsewhere. And where better to look than the current race for the French presidency? No doubt you’ve been eagerly watching on the news.

Enjoy.

Why do all French people want to hug Obama?
Because President Sarkozy.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

We’ve received particular praise for ‘so bad they’re good’ jokes that focus on wordplay of late, so we decided to place punnery at the heart of today’s glorious two-liner.

We’re confident you’ll love it.

I found myself drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda yesterday.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

Today we celebrate Crap Joke of the Day™ smashing through the 100,000 visits barrier. We now stand alone, towering over the former giants of the bad joke industry (including late great, frequentbadgoodjokes2U.com) as a colossus.

We could not have done it without you. Many legends of the badjokesphere© have fallen by the wayside, cast into the ‘so bad it’s good’ scrapheap by fan apathy, crap joke mediocrity or economic uncertainty. But without doubt it is your laughter, joke submissions, posts on Facebook, tweets on Twitter and pins on Pinterest that have propelled us to these heady heights.

We’re closing the office early and heading to our local public house to celebrate, but we demand that you share in the acclaim. Turn to the person sitting opposite you at work and let them know what a great job you’ve done, what a great community you’re a part of.

And then enjoy this subtle but witty two-liner.

Q. How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
A. Eclipse.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

We will continue to focus on crap jokes of the two line variety for the foreseeable future, but have one small side venture to tell you about: producing and distributing bad jokes in image form.

We’re posting these over on the CJotD Pinterest account. Opinion here is divided: the editorial team see this as a bit of light-hearted fun, while the accounts team see this as ultimately holding the key to taking the monetisation of CJotD to the next level. Our last employee debate session (just one in a series of monthly events where staff meet to discuss the latest issues affecting the bad joke industry) culminated in an irate copywriter, spilled wine and a range of bruised egos.

We digress. The real thing to look out for on Pinterest is the ‘editorial team inspiration board’, where we’ll be posting scans of images that are tacked to the mood board on the north wall of the CJotD creativity suite here at HQ. Have a gander – some might raise a smile.

In the meantime though, here’s today’s traditional entry. Simple, effective, hilarious.

A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

Today’s entry will be short and sweet but, before we progress to the hilarity, we’d like to take the opportunity to respond to some correspondence you’ve been sending us over the weekend. Having read Friday’s entry, many of you were concerned about George, our caretaker. Some of you were concerned for his health, others that CJotD management might come down too heavily on him after the incident.

Firstly, we would like to reassure you all that, despite his advancing years, George is in fine health. Last week’s episode certainly shook him – being attacked by an eagle on Regent Street would do that to anyone. However, aside from a slight propensity to glance at the sky with alarming regularity (outdoors or indoors) and his insistence that all his valuables be sewn to the inside sleeve of his duffel coat via steel wire, he seems to have developed no symptoms whatsoever.

And on the second point: it is not Crap Joke of the Day™ policy to punish its employees for honest mistakes. People make mistakes – as readers of CJotD #64 were all-to-keen to testify – and we are always ready to accept them. Indeed, we believe that making mistakes is CJotD’s secret weapon when it comes to our barrier-breaking creative comedy.

George was given a box of chocolates and a day off. We were delighted to see him back in the office this morning: he truly is a part of the furniture. And on that bombshell: here’s today’s two liner. Tell your friends.

I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don’t know what to make of it.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

Due at the office at 7am, his train into London Charing Cross arrived early. With twenty minutes to spare before he needed to swing the cast iron CJotD doors open, he decided to have a stroll round the local park. Buying a loaf of bread from a convenience store en route, he headed to Green Park post-haste.

There he stayed for quarter of an hour, throwing crumbs to the starlings, robins and chaffinches of the 16 hectare Royal Park (he refuses to feed pigeons on principle). Breathing in the fresh air stirred his soul, readying him for another day of maintenance at the office.

Discovering that he had lost track of time and was running late, he made a dash for the office, winding his way northwards through London’s busy streets. Still feeling chipper, he merrily twirled the keys to CJotD HQ on his right index finger.

Regrettably – and because his eyesight is not quite what it used to be – he had not brushed away all the breadcrumbs that had collected on his overcoat back in the park. Spotting breakfast from the sky, a large Eagle swooped down and, in scooping up the remains in its razor-like talons, somehow also grabbed the set of keys from George’s fingertips. Before he could react, the feathered beast was gone and, with it, the only set of keys to the office.

Attempts to track the bird back to its lair proved fruitless, and we only gained entry to the office after the capital’s top locksmith had spent three days trying to crack our Fort Knox-esque security. As a result, we were of course completely unable to bring you a CJotD on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. We can only apologise. In hindsight, of course, it was perhaps a mistake not to have had a spare set of keys made.

Nevertheless, we hope today’s storming crap joke will make up for our enforced absence, and that the three we published on Easter Sunday’s bonus edition  kept you going in the meantime.

Have a great weekend.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Another one of those, same time on Monday.

Of course CJotD isn’t a Christian organisation – we have no religious affiliation. We extend our best wishes to all peoples of the world. Our diversity policy ensures that whatever god you believe in – or even if you don’t believe in a god – you still have fair and equal access to god-awful jokes.

Needless to say, we still wanted to make this Easter special. So we reformed the famous CJotD choir (2009 and 2010 winners of the ‘Musical Ensemble of the Year’ prize at the annual Is that Funny? awards) and sent them out into the community.

Twelve of the finest altos, sopranos and baritones we could find amongst the CJotD staff (the research team were somewhat over-represented) toured central London, singing uplifting hymns in honour of this glorious day. In a typically spectacular twist, each hymn was punctuated with an extra two lines: a classic but tasteful crap joke put to organ music.

In our biased eyes, this is what makes CJotD special. We don’t just tell bad jokes: we try to innovate, to push the boundaries. And we will do so again, right here, right now, with the first ever Sunday posting.

Today’s has an inevitable Easter theme and – even more remarkably – there’s are three joyous two-liners included. Go on, tell one at the dinner table this afternoon (remembering to appropriately credit CJotD, obviously). Enjoy.

How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
Egg-xercise and hare-robics.

Did you hear about the disgruntled rabbits that marched in a long and sweltering Easter parade?
They were hot cross bunnies.

Q. Why was the Easter bunny so upset?
A: He was having a bad hare day.

Another one of those, at Easter next year.

Unfortunately a surprise development threatened to overshadow the frivolity this morning. Crap Joke of the Day™ researchers – usually first into the office – turned on the plasma TV in reception to watch a news bulletin (as you know, CJotD prides itself on being up-to-speed with current affairs). To their horror, some of the normal channels had entirely disappeared.

Following correct CJotD procedure, the team immediately called our dedicated IT emergency hotline. Two hours later, and with the plasma dismantled and its components spread across the foyer floor, we were no closer to a full package of television channels. We were stumped.

It was only by a huge quirk of fate that, taking a break from the stress on the CJotD roof terrace, a junior member of the archive team stumbled across the solution. Spotting a double decker bus drive by on the street below, he noted that it was emblazoned with a warning about the digital TV switchover that has just taken place in London. He raced down the stairs to inform everyone immediately.

A simple retune – taking not more than two minutes – was all that was required to restore all channels. Sadly, and in a dose of cruel irony, our IT team have been unable to reassemble the plasma, so we’re still entirely without TV. We’re hopeful normal service will be restored by next week.

It’s only fitting, then, that today’s crap joke has a ‘digital’ flavour – of sorts. But what’s that you say? It’s nearly Easter, shouldn’t we have an Easter-based joke? This is true. Keep your ear to the ground for a special edition Crap Joke of the Day™ published outside of normal office hours over the coming long weekend.

But in the meantime get off home and start relaxing. You’ve worked long enough.

My uncle works with Digital radios.
You could say he’s a DAB hand.

Another one of those, same time on Tuesday.