Crap Joke of the Day™

As you know, loyal reader, we here at Crap Joke of the Day™ are very much committed to the finest ‘so bad it’s good’ humour the written word has to offer. We primarily publish in English, although rumour at the CJotD water cooler suggests a launch in Spanish may be on the cards.

We will continue to focus on crap jokes of the two line variety for the foreseeable future, but have one small side venture to tell you about: producing and distributing bad jokes in image form.

We’re posting these over on the CJotD Pinterest account. Opinion here is divided: the editorial team see this as a bit of light-hearted fun, while the accounts team see this as ultimately holding the key to taking the monetisation of CJotD to the next level. Our last employee debate session (just one in a series of monthly events where staff meet to discuss the latest issues affecting the bad joke industry) culminated in an irate copywriter, spilled wine and a range of bruised egos.

We digress. The real thing to look out for on Pinterest is the ‘editorial team inspiration board’, where we’ll be posting scans of images that are tacked to the mood board on the north wall of the CJotD creativity suite here at HQ. Have a gander – some might raise a smile.

In the meantime though, here’s today’s traditional entry. Simple, effective, hilarious.

A book just fell on my head.
I’ve only got myshelf to blame.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

Happy Monday, crap joke fans. We hope you had a good weekend.

Today’s entry will be short and sweet but, before we progress to the hilarity, we’d like to take the opportunity to respond to some correspondence you’ve been sending us over the weekend. Having read Friday’s entry, many of you were concerned about George, our caretaker. Some of you were concerned for his health, others that CJotD management might come down too heavily on him after the incident.

Firstly, we would like to reassure you all that, despite his advancing years, George is in fine health. Last week’s episode certainly shook him – being attacked by an eagle on Regent Street would do that to anyone. However, aside from a slight propensity to glance at the sky with alarming regularity (outdoors or indoors) and his insistence that all his valuables be sewn to the inside sleeve of his duffel coat via steel wire, he seems to have developed no symptoms whatsoever.

And on the second point: it is not Crap Joke of the Day™ policy to punish its employees for honest mistakes. People make mistakes – as readers of CJotD #64 were all-to-keen to testify – and we are always ready to accept them. Indeed, we believe that making mistakes is CJotD’s secret weapon when it comes to our barrier-breaking creative comedy.

George was given a box of chocolates and a day off. We were delighted to see him back in the office this morning: he truly is a part of the furniture. And on that bombshell: here’s today’s two liner. Tell your friends.

I got work this morning to find a lump of Plasticine on my desk.
I don’t know what to make of it.

Another one of those, same time tomorrow.

A remarkable thing happened earlier this week. The Crap Joke of the Day™ caretaker – a 67 year old called George who has been with us since the very beginning – headed into work on Tuesday morning to open up our London HQ after the long Easter weekend.

Due at the office at 7am, his train into London Charing Cross arrived early. With twenty minutes to spare before he needed to swing the cast iron CJotD doors open, he decided to have a stroll round the local park. Buying a loaf of bread from a convenience store en route, he headed to Green Park post-haste.

There he stayed for quarter of an hour, throwing crumbs to the starlings, robins and chaffinches of the 16 hectare Royal Park (he refuses to feed pigeons on principle). Breathing in the fresh air stirred his soul, readying him for another day of maintenance at the office.

Discovering that he had lost track of time and was running late, he made a dash for the office, winding his way northwards through London’s busy streets. Still feeling chipper, he merrily twirled the keys to CJotD HQ on his right index finger.

Regrettably – and because his eyesight is not quite what it used to be – he had not brushed away all the breadcrumbs that had collected on his overcoat back in the park. Spotting breakfast from the sky, a large Eagle swooped down and, in scooping up the remains in its razor-like talons, somehow also grabbed the set of keys from George’s fingertips. Before he could react, the feathered beast was gone and, with it, the only set of keys to the office.

Attempts to track the bird back to its lair proved fruitless, and we only gained entry to the office after the capital’s top locksmith had spent three days trying to crack our Fort Knox-esque security. As a result, we were of course completely unable to bring you a CJotD on Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday. We can only apologise. In hindsight, of course, it was perhaps a mistake not to have had a spare set of keys made.

Nevertheless, we hope today’s storming crap joke will make up for our enforced absence, and that the three we published on Easter Sunday’s bonus edition  kept you going in the meantime.

Have a great weekend.

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Another one of those, same time on Monday.

Happy Easter, fellow crap joke fans. You’re bearing witness to a world first: a special Easter Sunday edition Crap Joke of the Day™ .

Of course CJotD isn’t a Christian organisation – we have no religious affiliation. We extend our best wishes to all peoples of the world. Our diversity policy ensures that whatever god you believe in – or even if you don’t believe in a god – you still have fair and equal access to god-awful jokes.

Needless to say, we still wanted to make this Easter special. So we reformed the famous CJotD choir (2009 and 2010 winners of the ‘Musical Ensemble of the Year’ prize at the annual Is that Funny? awards) and sent them out into the community.

Twelve of the finest altos, sopranos and baritones we could find amongst the CJotD staff (the research team were somewhat over-represented) toured central London, singing uplifting hymns in honour of this glorious day. In a typically spectacular twist, each hymn was punctuated with an extra two lines: a classic but tasteful crap joke put to organ music.

In our biased eyes, this is what makes CJotD special. We don’t just tell bad jokes: we try to innovate, to push the boundaries. And we will do so again, right here, right now, with the first ever Sunday posting.

Today’s has an inevitable Easter theme and – even more remarkably – there’s are three joyous two-liners included. Go on, tell one at the dinner table this afternoon (remembering to appropriately credit CJotD, obviously). Enjoy.

How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
Egg-xercise and hare-robics.

Did you hear about the disgruntled rabbits that marched in a long and sweltering Easter parade?
They were hot cross bunnies.

Q. Why was the Easter bunny so upset?
A: He was having a bad hare day.

Another one of those, at Easter next year.

As we approach the long Easter weekend, something of a carnival atmosphere has developed here at CJotD HQ.

Unfortunately a surprise development threatened to overshadow the frivolity this morning. Crap Joke of the Day™ researchers – usually first into the office – turned on the plasma TV in reception to watch a news bulletin (as you know, CJotD prides itself on being up-to-speed with current affairs). To their horror, some of the normal channels had entirely disappeared.

Following correct CJotD procedure, the team immediately called our dedicated IT emergency hotline. Two hours later, and with the plasma dismantled and its components spread across the foyer floor, we were no closer to a full package of television channels. We were stumped.

It was only by a huge quirk of fate that, taking a break from the stress on the CJotD roof terrace, a junior member of the archive team stumbled across the solution. Spotting a double decker bus drive by on the street below, he noted that it was emblazoned with a warning about the digital TV switchover that has just taken place in London. He raced down the stairs to inform everyone immediately.

A simple retune – taking not more than two minutes – was all that was required to restore all channels. Sadly, and in a dose of cruel irony, our IT team have been unable to reassemble the plasma, so we’re still entirely without TV. We’re hopeful normal service will be restored by next week.

It’s only fitting, then, that today’s crap joke has a ‘digital’ flavour – of sorts. But what’s that you say? It’s nearly Easter, shouldn’t we have an Easter-based joke? This is true. Keep your ear to the ground for a special edition Crap Joke of the Day™ published outside of normal office hours over the coming long weekend.

But in the meantime get off home and start relaxing. You’ve worked long enough.

My uncle works with Digital radios.
You could say he’s a DAB hand.

Another one of those, same time on Tuesday.