It’s been a rollercoaster 24 hours here at CJotD. This time yesterday we were preparing excitedly for our 50th birthday celebrations. We were all expecting great things: the party committee had been planning the event for weeks.
The early stages of the evening didn’t disappoint. Ferried to top class hotel in a classic London Routemaster, we were treated to a champagne reception in the foyer, before we moved into a salubrious banqueting hall. Plenty of food and drink followed, and CJotD’s finest started to let their hair down.
Unfortunately the atmosphere took a turn for the worse with a final piece of news from Steven Seagal – a huge CJotD fan, we’re told, and the highest profile guest at the party. Earlier in the day we had received numerous updates from his PA on the state of the roadworks at the Hammersmith flyover – it seems this was at the heart of his travel problems from Heathrow.
Another update – received just as canapés were served – suggested Mr. Seagal would be further delayed as he searched for a newsagent in Soho to buy some cigarettes and a packet of fruit pastilles (alongside martial arts, big passions of his). Evidently this was no easy task.
The final update at around 10pm simply read: ‘Mr. Seagal has suffered a minor ankle injury whilst greeting fans on Wardour Street, and will not be able to attend tonight’s party. He sends his regrets’.
The sense of anticlimax in the banqueting hall was palpable. Gasps of disappointment hung in the air at the news. Nevertheless, drinking with the assembled crap joke royalty eventually continued unabated.
The joy didn’t last. The evening took yet another turn for the worse when a suited man burst through the rear doors. The hall fell silent. The intruder solemnly weaved his way through the crowds to the top table, before dropping a small envelope in front of our chief executive.
The notice within revealed that an unknown party has filed a lawsuit against Crap Joke of the Day™. On the advice of our lawyers we are unable to reveal more at this stage, but make no mistake: this development threatens the very existence of CJotD. In light of the news the evening turned rather sour, and drifted towards a hasty conclusion.
We will no doubt need your support in the coming weeks. But even in these unhappy times, rest assured we’ll do all we can to keep the crap jokes flowing. And we rather enjoyed putting today’s together. Enjoy.
A mate of mine bought a 2 litre bottle of Tipp-Ex.
Another one of those, same time tomorrow.